Setting boundaries in your dating life will lead you to the one.
By: Courtney Arlesia, LMSW
January 22, 2021 will mark the day I celebrate a year of being single. Well let me be clear, that is the day my ex-boyfriend moved out of our shared living space with false promises that we were still going to be together. Truth is, I no longer wanted to be with him especially after him leaving the way that he did and our unhealthy relationship patterns – so our communication naturally fizzled out with time.
This past year of singleness has been one of tremendous growth and slowly entering back into the dating scene has been the biggest teacher about myself. Often times we are told that “every no leads to a yes”, a statement that helps us cope with rejection and one that is very true. However, there is power for us to own in that statement. The power of being able to choose while hoping to be chosen. As women, we tend to put pressure on ourselves to be Kingdom women, but we fail to ask for eyes to see past men who are not Kingdom men. Often times the counterfeit reveals himself before the one that we truly desire shows up. Learning to exert our power in saying “no” will help us alleviate wasted time and
energy in fruitless relationships.
During this journey, I picked up a book called Boundaries in Dating and once I picked it up I could not put it down. There are so many good tidbits from the book it is hard to just share one. One that stood out the most to me and that I have been implementing is directly informing someone when I am not interested in them. That’s right – no second chances but being upfront and honest. It has helped me be more aware of red flags, not ignore them, and has truly helped me eliminate the bad apples. In my last relationship I ignored all of the red flags because of the way he would love bomb me that left me feeling
special when truly I was settling. Now that I am in a no settle zone space, the bare minimum does not excite me nor has me dancing on a foundationless cloud.
When we say no to men who do not show up the way we need them to, that display behaviors we do not like, or their presence is often accompanied with uncomfortableness – we get closer to our yes. I have practiced this several times over this year and every time I say “I am not interested” or “this is not a good fit for me” not only do I feel empowered — I also know that I am getting closer to the one that God has for me. I do not have the answer to when he will show up, but I believe wholeheartedly that God sees my obedience in trusting Him and has every intention not to disappoint me.
If you find yourself stuck in a rut while dating, take some time to do a self-evaluation: have you been setting boundaries, are you being clear about your no, and are you accepting company/conversation from any man just to have someone in your presence?
Loving you, putting your relationship with God first, and being firm in your NO will get you to your YES! I am praying that in this season you have the courage to trust what God has placed on the inside of you–to be brave enough to set boundaries that will lead you away from counterfeits and directly to your God sent.
Courtney Arlesia, LMSW is your everyday woman with an extraordinary thirst for God. She prides herself on being a shining example of strength, empowerment, and inspiration to those around her. Courtney Arlesia’s social work career has focused on parent education, mental health services, and the criminal justice field. Currently, she provides counseling services for a nonprofit agency where she primarily serves women and children who are survivors of domestic violence. Now a published author and the writer of affirmation book Glow Up Sis, Glow Up!, she prides herself on being ferociously focused on providing psychotherapy, writing inspiring blog posts/books, and public speaking.
Courtney Arlesia aspires to continue to encourage and empower women worldwide, to get in tune with themselves and find solace in their creator.
Learn more and connect with her at CourtneyArlesia.com